Permissum is quisnam est vacuus sin

re-reading parts of an old blog this quiet sunday night. been sleepless again. patterns.

Ae, in response to Night:
Vulnerability is not a weakness... but open-ness and acceptance of things;
Perhaps that is a precondition to loving.

Perhaps it is a reprogramming of the mind needed - I've always fought against being vulnerable.
It was always easier to hide behind the thoughts.
Safe grounds.

I've always been seeking reasons. Could not understand the nature of attraction, desire.
Still don't.

Feelings have always seemed like a moebius band. Illogical.
As such, to be buried, burnt, discarded.
Acts of self-immolation.

Preoccupation with flaws - while missing out the picture:
That not recognising and acknowledging the feelings were an invalidation of self.
The act of immolation was illogical, not the feelings. Desire, attraction are real... that is what matters.
Also to keep in mind... they do not matter too.

Part of a journey, but not all of the journey.

Gibran had it that faith was an oasis we could not reach by the caravan of thinking. Same with love, mayhaps.

The portrait is always there. Coloured perceptions and imperfect judgment are our marks on it.
In a way, it becomes a mirror too.

Be gentler on myself?
Acceptance makes us whole again.

"Smile and the world smiles with you".

Thank you, Night.